ARIES (March 21-April 19): In 1904, it was not illegal to use performance-enhancing substances in Olympic competitions. Runner Thomas Hicks took advantage of this during the marathon race. The poison strychnine, which in small doses serves as a stimulant, was one of his boosters. Another was cognac. As he approached the finish line, he was hallucinating and tripping. His sneakers carried him all the way and he was declared the winner. I recommend that you make him your inspirational role model in the weeks to come. How could you cheat to win a big win? APRIL FOOL! I lied. While it is true that significant triumph is within your grasp, you will likely achieve it by acting with complete integrity, following the rules, and not drinking any stimulating poisons.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Sci-fi buff Wil Wheaton suggests we should all have the following: 1. A nemesis; 2. an evil twin; 3. a secret headquarters; 4. an escape hatch; 5. a partner in crime; 6. a secret identity. Dear Taurus, I doubt you have any of these necessities. Please engage in intensive efforts to acquire them all. Your deadline is April 21. APRIL FOOL ! I half lied. There’s no way to add all of these things to your repertoire in such a short time. See if you can at least get a secret identity and a partner in crime. It’s time to have a blast increasing your power and efficiency.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): “I hate having the best behavior possible,” Gemini author Colleen McCullough wrote. “It brings out the worst in me.” In the weeks to come, I hope you avoid the danger she describes. Don’t be on your best behavior! Emulate Gemini filmmaker Clint Eastwood, who said, “I tried to be reasonable, but I didn’t like it.” APRIL FOOL! I lied. Here’s the real truth: being kind, generous, and reasonable will be your secret weapon over the next three weeks. This will allow you to make interesting and unforeseen progress.
CANCER (June 21-July 22): A Tumblr blogger named Alyssa complains, “I always get irritated that I can’t steal or set things on fire with my mind.” You might share that sentiment, Cancer. But here’s the good news: I predict that you may soon gain, at least temporarily, the power to fly and set things on fire with your mind. Use these talents wisely, please! APRIL FOOL! I lied. In fact, you probably won’t be able to steal or set things on fire with your mind anytime soon. However, you can acquire other superpowers that are only slightly less fantastic. For example, you might change the mind of an ally who has been ridiculously stubborn. You might uncover a big secret that has been hidden. You might mend a wound you thought would never heal. Do you need any other superpowers right now?
LEO (July 23-August 22): I suspect only a Leo would say what Leo filmmaker Stanley Kubrick once said, “You know, it’s not absolutely true in all cases that nobody likes a smart ass.” In accordance with the astrological omens, I authorize you to prove his assertion. Be the kind of smart ass that people like. APRIL FOOL! I’m half kidding. The truth is, I hope you’ll be the kind of smart ass that people absolutely adore and take inspiration from.
VIRGO (August 23-September 22): In honor of your arrival in the most lyrical and moving phase of your cycle, I offer you the advice of the poet Richard Jackson: “The secret is to paint your own numbers on the clock, to sweep away those canvases that cover the wild land of souls, to let your star hover between the flowers of the moon and the flowers of the sun, like words you have never spoken but still hear. APRIL FOOL! I partly lied. I don’t think you should paint your own numbers on the clock. But the rest of what Jackson said is totally applicable and helpful to you.
LIBRA (Sep 23-Oct 22): “I want excitement,” said Libra novelist F. Scott Fitzgerald, “and I don’t care what form it takes or what I pay for it, as long as it gets my heart pumping.” In the weeks to come, I hope you will make this statement your motto. APRIL FOOL! I half lied. While I anticipate you’ll be able to muster a whole host of excitement, I hope you won’t be as extreme as Fitzgerald in your quest. There will be plenty of opportunities for excitement that won’t require you to risk losing or paying an unfortunate price.
SCORPIO (23 Oct-21 Nov): “If you can’t make fun of yourself, you have no right to make fun of others,” said comedian Joan Rivers. I am okay! So if you feel the urge to make fun of people and throw sarcasm in all directions, please prepare yourself first by making fun of yourself and being sarcastic with yourself. APRIL FOOL! I lied. I will never allow you to make fun of others. Never! In the weeks to come, I hope you will do the opposite: dish out massive doses of praise and appreciation to everyone. To prepare, dish out massive doses of praise and appreciation to yourself.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22-Dec 21): In the traditional opera performed in the Chinese province of Sichuan, magic effects were popular. One trick involved characters quickly switching masks. The art was to remove an existing mask and put on a new one with such speed that the audience could not detect it. An old master, Peng Denghuai, once wore 14 different masks in 24 seconds. It’s an antics that I think you should emulate in the next few days. The more frequently you change your personality and appearance, the more success and popularity you will have. APRIL FOOL! I half lied. I recommend that you joyfully experiment with your image and exuberantly vary your presentation of yourself. But don’t overdo it.
CAPRICORN (December 22-January 19): A nutritionist named Mark Haub decided to try losing weight by eating only sugary treats. For 10 weeks, he snacked on junk food cakes, cookies and sugary cereals. By the end, he had lost 27 pounds. In accordance with astrological omens, I suggest you try the metaphorical equivalents of this project. For example, work to deepen your relationships by engaging your allies in superficial conversations about trivial matters. Or see if you can improve your fitness by limiting your exercise to crossing and uncrossing your legs while you’re sitting on the couch watching TV. APRIL FOOL! I lied. Here is your true horoscope: For the next four weeks, take better care of your body and your relationships than ever before in your life. Make it a point to educate yourself on what this would entail and dedicate yourself to providing the deepest support you can imagine.
AQUARIUS (January 20-February 18): Giordano Bruno (1548-1600), born in Aquarius, was courageously heretical in his work as a philosopher, poet, mathematician and brother. He angered the Catholic Church with his unorthodox views of Jesus and Mary, as well as his belief in reincarnation, his practice of occult magic, and his view that there are other stars besides our sun. Eventually, the authorities burned him at the stake for his transgressive ideas. Beware of a similar result to express your unusual qualities! APRIL FOOL! Fortunately, no punishment will ensue if you express the rich fullness of your idiosyncrasies in the weeks ahead. I’m happy about that, because I encourage you to be as eccentric as you want.
PISCES (February 19-March 20): Life is too complicated to be understood accurately. There is too much to know! It is impossible to make truly informed and rational decisions. Perhaps the best strategy is to flip a coin or roll the dice or draw a tarot card before doing anything. APRIL FOOL! Although it is a fact that life is too complex for our conscious mind to fully master, we have enormous resources available at the subconscious and superconscious levels: our deep soul and our higher self. This is the perfect time to improve your access to these mother lodes of intelligence.